God and Winter

You sit on the tops of trees. Your weight means nothing to the top most stems of a mighty oak. What is left of the large leaves give way to beautiful barrenness as they shake a quivver into a silent breeze. Their last song to the summer. As they fall to the ground- there they join the ones like them. Turned brown by the lack of sun.
Only you live there now. You who live through the cold and uncaring winter of another year. You, whos blood still flows warmly through yor body. As we lie here. Decaying on the ground...

I've written your name over and over in my mind... trying to figure out what itis that I like so much. And yet I can't seem to see what it is that makes you so very beautiful to me. But it's there, and I can't help it. It's been so long since I've known anything like this. Yet it's something completely new. It fees good... like coming home..

Like sand through sifting toes. Our time here is fleeting. Like boats floating on the horizon.
Our breathing slowly fades. Like the waves that come crashing upon the shore. Our memories are changing. And like the seagulls cry, their song remains to echo in our soul.
As if I were some impermeable steel, you managed to find your way into my thoughts. Tiny grains of sand that make up an impression of you.


I keep thinking about what we said to each other. Quiet lines said unspoken promises. Things we wanted to say but couldn't, not yet at least... But right now, what I feel... feels good. As if it's always been there but I just didn't know. I am glad our silence said more than nothing. For what i feel now, can sometimes say nothing but mean everything.

written by my sister Kori- july '94

Somewhere:
maybe on this beach, maybe up a few miles, maybe even in Australia, my soul mate surfed today.
And wherever he is- he took a moment to look out from the water toward the beach- and he looked
for me
Somewhere; maybe next door, maybe even in Africa, he looked into the sky tonight- the same sky I saw.
And wherever he is- he wished upon the same star I did
wishing for the day we would meet.
Somewhere; maybe not to far away
maybe in South America, maybe South Dakota
my soul mate is sleeping
and wherever he is- before he closed his eyes tonight
He thought of me
Believing in Me
and tonight
he will dream of us.

evening

last night was incredible
last night you whispered in my ear
the things my soul longed to hear
last night you held me
last night i kissed my heart good- bye
i hoped last night would never die
last night you loved me.
last night you were incredible.

Back Again

Back Again
Mid September
San Diego
My sisters room in her house
two o' four
AM
Sleepy but not
Tired
Trying to tell you
What your missing
Only wishing
you'd come
back again

an explanation

an open explanation of my blog

this past year, spring i think- i was cleaning out the storage shed a found (much to my suprise) numerous journals and notebooks that i have kept through the years-mostly in high school and college. i've posted the year written when possible, and hope to get more online soon. i encourage feedback... so, read me.

I AM

I AM

I am FREE
I am MYSELF
I am my own person and do NOT have to bend to the mapped out life someone has laid out for me.
I am a GENERATION of learners. Of thinkers and creators.
I am the GIRL with the starry eyes who looks upwards to the sky and KNOWS that it only waits for me.
I am able to learn things my parents have never known.
I am a dreamer. I can be whomever I want, an astronaut, a mother, a nun, or a priest. I can be a doctor, a lawyer or even PRESIDENT
I am a child
I am a woman
I am a human
I AM.

Oct 3 1995

slug... and random thoughts.

Slug…
I will not aloe your evil thoughts to poison my soul. You can stay there in that dark, dank prison that you’ve made for yourself, but swear it was someone else’s hurting and cruelty. Your stubbornness to forgive, pains anyone who tries to touch you. I an done, I’ve said my piece. I will no longer insert your name for someone else’s, no longer will I try to “patch things up”. Here is where I chew you up, spit you out, look at you funny and step over you; walking on…
Jan 1 1996



I walked in the rain today. The way that we used to. I began to miss you. But then the sun came out and I could feel its warmth on my face. And then I stopped thinking about you.
Jan 6, 1995


Looking at you is like masturbation. It’s nice the first few times, but after a while, it’s better if theres someone else in the room.
Hedi
Jan 6- 1995

how....

How did this happen?
I thought you and I would be together till the end.
But the end has come.
too soon
I don't blame you... alone
I can't take the blame... alone
But our problem was that we left each other alone
I was alone while you went out with your friends... I stayed at home pretending to be the good girlfriend, not wanting to be "that girl" the jealous one who had to be with you...had to know where, when and with who.. you were a big boy with your own friends long before you met me.
I was a strong girl with my own thoughts long before you told me how wrong they were... how silly I was and how naive I sounded when I spoke.
Much to late did I realize that my naivete didn't just embarrass you, but made you feel used up and old. How my youth was waisted on you... and how your youth was waisted long before we met.
I understand now, that this toxic love was never meant to last, but we were meant for each other... but to learn how to grow up. How to be adults. How to love and let go. I thank you for that; for teaching me that your first sexual experience is meant to be short and uninspired...that boys cheat and men do not... that romance is not what you thought it was, but is what you make of it.
When I think of you now I'm left in wonder of How much we learned from each other, How we will always be these people because of the time we spent together, How what happened between us has made me a better person, not less naive; just better at it.
How could this have happened?
How could it not?

sex

hot words
burning, scorching
flaming skin upon
melting sheets of air.
dripping wet letters
bound by chains of emotion
falling down to ears that welcome it.
thumping pulling screaming sounds.
bodies moving in a motion
known only to the
animalsistic instincts of
man who dares to let go
and experience

harmony and discord

squeezing out notes in a melodic fashion. repeating again between groans of disapproval. standing like a prize fighter before the biggest fight of his life. secure and calm, yet tension aches at his muscles and tears at his eyes. chaotic. groaning between blasts of the air like ice on a fire sparking and smoking feverishly.
squinting eyes, wrinkled forehead, moves- noble dances. sways. stands still. tilted head. bend. bounce. lift crossed legs. relaxed.
finally- Harmony.



no, little boy, i'm not writing bout your beautiful eyes or fantastic smile. you give yourself far to much credit for things you have nothing to do with. i am sick of it. yes you are nice to look at, and have a great personality. when i first met you i was impressed by your attitude about certain things. i was impressed.
now i'm sick and disgusted by your outlook. everything is a game to you. but this is a game you've lost and there is no reset button. i won't try to impress you anymore. i am stronger and understand you. prepare yourself...

my ridiculous expectations of romance

theres something about you that causes me to crumble..
something that tells me to let go...thats its ok...
ive tried to be tough because I think thats what you want to see, the tough girl who can handle anything... but that girl does't exist...
there is no tough girl in here... just the one who need your arms around her, the girl who loves to kiss you and wants to feel you near... the girl who desperately wants to makes you smile when you want to cry...
tell this girl the things she already knows but needs to hear from you...
the girl who sits next to you is longing for your attention...
the girl who sits next to you is waiting... and getting tired of it...
please hear this...
before its too late...




You there, with the great smile and sky reflecting eyes. You with the great bookish look and snarky comebacks. you stop me with your words- ripping through my facade and seeing me for who i really am... and then remindng me that all those things make me wonderful, all my flaws- accepted. all my doubts and fears reveald, you treasure me for who i am and in turn i treasure myself. thank you for that. our short time together will be with me forever, when i can't handle it- i'll remember you and cry a little wishing our time wasnt so fleeting.

where are you?

where are you, my one true love? where are the warm arms, the sweet eyes and charming smile? i used to see your eyes light up when they met mine, now their only dead and faded. the arms that used to want to hold me are empty by your choice, the smile that would compel my heart is gone- there is no pleasure in your smile, no love in your eyes, no need to hold me or have me near. you have disappeared into a place i'm not welcome, a place i can't find... you push me away... away and away... the more you push, the farther i will drift, soon i will be gone.. and will find love in eyes that are not yours, shelter in arms of another, someone else will smile and light up when we meet... i will not be yours.

alone...

alone. i feel alone. alone in a house full of people. alone in a room to myself. alone on the path I walk... alone in the useless day to day feelings that emerge. Alone in the pain that bubbles up from inside me, aching to get out. Alone to feel usefull and needed. Alone to feel pathetic and abnormal. Alone to scream out to the night... alone in my need for you. want me in your life, want me near you... don't push me away in your own attempt to be strong, hold me close and prove your strength...

but i know i ask too much..
feel me slip.
watch me fail.

i'll be alone..
again.

Hey You, yea you!! this one IS for you.... you know who you are...

I find myself drawn to you. Pulled to you by some force beyond my own understanding. There's an attraction between the two of us that is so primal and so instinctual that I can not deny that it is real. There is a gravity. A pull. A real feeling. Something that I've not felt in years, a feeling that lay dormant and sleep for so long that now that my emotions are awake, they seem so real and raw that my heart bleeds new blood with every new thought of you. I fear the unknown- I drink away my fears into submission and create a new feeling of joy and freedom. Your kisses send me to that same place- your touch throws me.

The Oblivion- By Amelia Ruiz

I wake up to sleep,
Falling forward and up
I see holes in time,
Which feel like watery spikes.

The white- grey world swirls around me,
Stripes of red and blue spinning to
Encroaching is the black
Making dark pure light.

And as I pass on through the colored oblivion,
Knowing there is no end
Thoughts, pictures, and people swirl around me,
From cave paintings to the Mona Lisa,
From Caesar to Picasso.

My breathing grows slower,
As the sweet smell of snicker doodles
Wafts through one thought.
I reach my hand tentatively through,
When I pull my hand out a soft, moist chocolate chip
Cookie awaits me, the mouse with it's cheese.

I scarf it down,
letting the sweetness
Dance on my tongue.
Slowly a song begins to play,
A single lute softly playing Greensleeves,
The music jumping with joy
Of being let free and becoming
Known to the world

I hear my alarm going off,
The oblivion starts to part
I do no worry though,
As I can come here whenever I
Fall
Asleep.


I move on in the oblivion.
I sure do love this Oblivion.

I am a boxer.
I throw my punches in time
I know when and where to fight
I keep myself to myself
Bloodied up for the last time
I fight with my love
I fight with my heart
I fight for the time I want with you
I fight what I feel

I am a boxer
I fight for me
I fight for what I need
I fight for the love I deserve
I know where to hurt and how low
I know that the corner bell comes all to early
I am bruised and dizzy
I am wanting all and more from you
I am fighting myself
I am a boxer


There is darkness in my soul that has become overwhelming. There is a hole in my heart that is growing bigger every day. I can no longer claim ownership. I cannot get away from the thoughts of you swimming laps in my head. You have set up house in the cafe of my mind and I can no longer close the doors and flip on the closed sign. My heart cannot close- I cannot protect myself from the world anymore. I am at your mercy. Be gentle, be patient, be kind. There are holes that are filled with lies, and new holes being dug every day. My heart is all of Swiss cheese and fish nets. Holes and empty spots, like that of unknown space, or a wrinkle in time. I must learn to fill those holes, but fill them myself. I must do it alone, for I am alone. Reflections of myself are all I have to go on, all I have are pieces of myself that have yet to fall into a hole or be filled in with lies. I fear I must go it alone. I’m afraid. Terrified. As the fear sets in… I feel the darkness again… the darkness has become a comfort to me… I fear it will be all I want, all I need. I fear that the darkness will surround me and swallow me whole. Then I’ll be lost. I long to be found but fear, again that I’ll have to do it myself. You are all I want yet cannot have, you can save me… but I must save myself. Here comes the darkness… bring me a light..?

Was that you?
When the breeze touched my cheek and softly ruffled my hair?
When I felt a sudden kiss?
Was it you when my skin tingled and shivered and my heart beat faster?
Was it you when I feel the softness of your breath on my neck and your whispers in my ear?
Was it you? Or a dream?


How I long for the love I see. I long for the love of films and celluloid. I dream of the stage and lights, the sent of paint and the feeling of butterflies in my stomach. I wait for the feeling, the right time of day, when the lighting is just right and the mood is perfect. Then with the setting, I wait. Wait for the kiss, wait for the feeling, wait for my leading man… to walk onstage and finish the scene… with me.

I feel myself falling.
I am not afraid of the wind whipping by my ears.
My breath being forced from my lungs, like the crushing force of a train.
The pressure on my body is welcomed, the torturous ache inside, a release.
My hair stands on end as if electrified.
The fall ever ends, there is no sudden stop.
The feeling lingers there, in the soft and sweet places on my body
Where you kissed me.





Love seems a silly word
It covers a multitude of sins and pleasures
It describes nothing but means everything
It is neither tangible nor physical
It can’t be weighed or measured
Yet it can start wars and end drought.
It can slay the greatest dragon
It can save a life
It is hard to hold and easy to find
Yet is more precious than gold
It confuses the quickest brain
It calms the mightiest fears
Love seems a silly word.