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I am the girl who can't be fixed.
The one who will always need, and want more than she gets or deserves.
I will never hear the things I need to hear, there are no words to make me feel complete.
There will be a missing piece in my soul that will yearn for its mate but will never find it.
So many times I've looked; searched for the way to fill my soul with the feelings it once had.
The fleeting touch and caress of a hand is now the only thing keeping me afloat.
I can feel the icy fingers of reality pulling at my ankles in a fight of "to be or no to be".
I will forever be suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune only to fine there is no fortune to be had.
The glitter and gold is long since worn off and I'm left alone with feelings of despair and darkness, slipping farther in to the abyss- alone.
I will have to be my own life preserver; my own search and rescue.
I fear.... I may be lost....

some assembly required

I tell myself stories. Weave together different plot lines, wondering if the outcome of the story might be different were we to have done or said something other than what we have done or said, all the while knowing that the various alternative outcomes are just more stories- fictions meant to distract from what's actually happening. And so I pause from weaving and commence breathing, gently and non-judgmentally saying hello to what is...

fresh baked....

never and always

I will never be the skinny girl with fair skin and light hair. My eyes will never be anything but brown.
I will never have the smooth skin of a young woman or the wrinkleless features of a botox addict. My legs will never be shapeless, straight and free of scars. My thighs will never be thin. My arms will never be as lithe as willow. My body will never be that of the young girl I once was.
I have grown and lived my life. I will forever be a woman.
My stretch marks are a testament to my ability to create life. My stomach will forever bear the proof. My legs will forever remind me of my youth, of playing and running, falling only to get back up again. My thighs are strong and curved, they have moved mountains and welcomed love. My breasts will forever sway and draw attention. My hair will always shine red in the sun; a refection of my inner fire. Every line on my face is a story of laughter and pain of loss and renewal.
I am a woman, a mother and an amazing lover. My body bears witness to it all.

to my long lost friend

Thank you for finding for me, I didn't realize I was lost.
Thank you for remembering me as I once was, that girl is still there; only her ego more bruised and her outer shell more tough.
Thank you for lending your bravery and your strength. It has come in more use full than you know. I will return it to you.
Thank you for your flashlight of hope. The tunnel seems less dark now- especially knowing that I'm not alone.
Thank you for awakening in me the spark that had been dimmed, the light that had been out has now been re lit.

You send me thoughts from a time long past. Remind me of who I used to be and that I’ve never lost that young girl; she’s just buried deep within my mind and heart. There is gentleness to your smile, a thoughtful twinge of knowing in your eyes. You understand where I am and you tell me not to fear, I don’t feel alone or invisible any more. You intrude into a part of my soul that is normally closed off to others and at sometimes closed off to myself. A welcome invader in my heart.

You make me feel. Simply that- feel.

Long have I been closing myself off to the world of emotion; convinced that feelings and thoughts of need and love are for those who cannot build a big enough wall to keep themselves safe. Through the bricks and mortar of my wall you have sent thoughts of hope and renewal. You have thrown a lifeline of truth, of beauty, of honesty and care. You have become the friend I needed, the confidant I wanted and the lover I never knew I missed.

 I feel you next to me though you’re hundreds miles away. I can feel you looking at me, smiling at me, sweet words from you resonate in my heart; echoing in the emptiness of me till there is nothing but the words, and you and me and the quiet between us.

my own embers burning...

what to do as i feel myself being sucked in to the black, bleak darkness. How many nights have been spent laying awake, dry heaving absent tears like so much sand through my fingers? The relentless feelings of despair and helplessness take over my soul and i begin the nightly routine of talking myself into and out of different states of mind.
there's nothing.
the emptiness engulfs all light and sound. the silence covers me like a small, cold blanket; never big enough to cover more than just my face.
the sadness shatters any thoughts of joy and happiness.
i can hear your breathing as you sleep next to me. hear your heat beating in your chest as i lay next to you. the feelings of life and renewal start to spring up inside my darkness like a tiny candle shedding light in the cavernous darkness of my soul. you stir the embers of my heart, awakening the slightest heat fanning the fire till it glows with the promise of the sunrise and i can feel the heat and warmth of my own embers burning.

I dare you...

i'm not afraid of much. the dark, scary movies, spiders, freddy kruger and for some reason the thriller video. but words can spur me into forgetting my fears and moving past the paranoia. some of my deepest revelations and most honest resolutions have come as a result of ignoring my inner scared cat and stepping out on to the ledge. i've lit fire crackers and been one myself. I have made both friends and enemies- found out who will stand by me and who will chicken out and call the cops. jumped out of the pan and into the fire. i have created bonds and broken hearts- though more of the former and hopefully less of the later.

I have regretted and have waxed poetic about the history of my experiences and have learned many things. that jumping off the cliffs into the river is amazing and freeing- remember to wear a one piece suit. karaoke rules. yes you can still climb trees. punk ass boys don't like girls pointing out that their pants are falling down- finish the job and pull them down all the way. there's nothing wrong with a little lovin in the back seat. camping in the boonies is better naked. don't make fun of bad dye jobs.- at least not to loudly.

the more i live, the less i fear, the more i live.
i like that mantra. it's one of my new favorites.

we all need to live more, fear less. we all need to let go and forget the walls we're in. move past the fear and get to the next place we want to be. ask the hard questions. have the uncomfortable conversations. get what you need to have a happy soul.

fear less+ live more= happy soul
try it- I dare you...

"How I won the cosmic lottery"

The stick turned pink. That's where it started, sitting on a bed looking at the stick of immortality. We're a group now- three of us. A trilogy. Fear, dread, excitement, joy; did I mention the fear? Mood swings to knock over buildings, morning sickness that didn't restrict itself to morning. Fat fingers and weird food cravings. Dr's Appointments and blood tests. Painting and chalking flowers and clouds. Crib and layette, Bassinet and car seat. Sleep, no sleep.

water breaking, fear again. incredible fear. the waiting the waiting the waiting... the euphoria and cheer arrived with the meds- yet the fear pushed it's way into the room; will i be enough for this new girl? will the world be enough for her? will she be better off than we were? will we be able to provide?

the answers came in an instant. the instant that girl was placed in my arms. the second she picked up her head and looked around with her gray cartoon eyes; i knew my answer. this old soul wrapped in a new shell. this gift from the past made manifest in the present. she was not only going to change my life- she was going to change the world.
the questions were not only answered; i was given ten fold the knowledge i had before. i had her now. my fear was gone. i knew we would be enough. that we would give her everything and she would give to us.

i had won. we had won.
the cosmos came through. with flying colors...