Thursday, December 22, 2011


I am the girl who can't be fixed.
The one who will always need, and want more than she gets or deserves.
I will never hear the things I need to hear, there are no words to make me feel complete.
There will be a missing piece in my soul that will yearn for its mate but will never find it.
So many times I've looked; searched for the way to fill my soul with the feelings it once had.
The fleeting touch and caress of a hand is now the only thing keeping me afloat.
I can feel the icy fingers of reality pulling at my ankles in a fight of "to be or no to be".
I will forever be suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune only to fine there is no fortune to be had.
The glitter and gold is long since worn off and I'm left alone with feelings of despair and darkness, slipping farther in to the abyss- alone.
I will have to be my own life preserver; my own search and rescue.
I fear.... I may be lost....

some assembly required

I tell myself stories. Weave together different plot lines, wondering if the outcome of the story might be different were we to have done or said something other than what we have done or said, all the while knowing that the various alternative outcomes are just more stories- fictions meant to distract from what's actually happening. And so I pause from weaving and commence breathing, gently and non-judgmentally saying hello to what is...

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Monday, December 12, 2011

never and always

I will never be the skinny girl with fair skin and light hair. My eyes will never be anything but brown.
I will never have the smooth skin of a young woman or the wrinkleless features of a botox addict. My legs will never be shapeless, straight and free of scars. My thighs will never be thin. My arms will never be as lithe as willow. My body will never be that of the young girl I once was.
I have grown and lived my life. I will forever be a woman.
My stretch marks are a testament to my ability to create life. My stomach will forever bear the proof. My legs will forever remind me of my youth, of playing and running, falling only to get back up again. My thighs are strong and curved, they have moved mountains and welcomed love. My breasts will forever sway and draw attention. My hair will always shine red in the sun; a refection of my inner fire. Every line on my face is a story of laughter and pain of loss and renewal.
I am a woman, a mother and an amazing lover. My body bears witness to it all.

to my long lost friend

Thank you for finding for me, I didn't realize I was lost.
Thank you for remembering me as I once was, that girl is still there; only her ego more bruised and her outer shell more tough.
Thank you for lending your bravery and your strength. It has come in more use full than you know. I will return it to you.
Thank you for your flashlight of hope. The tunnel seems less dark now- especially knowing that I'm not alone.
Thank you for awakening in me the spark that had been dimmed, the light that had been out has now been re lit.
You send me thoughts from a time long past. Remind me of who I used to be and that I’ve never lost that young girl; she’s just buried deep within my mind and heart. There is gentleness to your smile, a thoughtful twinge of knowing in your eyes. You understand where I am and you tell me not to fear, I don’t feel alone or invisible any more. You intrude into a part of my soul that is normally closed off to others and at sometimes closed off to myself. A welcome invader in my heart.

You make me feel. Simply that- feel.

Long have I been closing myself off to the world of emotion; convinced that feelings and thoughts of need and love are for those who cannot build a big enough wall to keep themselves safe. Through the bricks and mortar of my wall you have sent thoughts of hope and renewal. You have thrown a lifeline of truth, of beauty, of honesty and care. You have become the friend I needed, the confidant I wanted and the lover I never knew I missed.

 I feel you next to me though you’re hundreds miles away. I can feel you looking at me, smiling at me, sweet words from you resonate in my heart; echoing in the emptiness of me till there is nothing but the words, and you and me and the quiet between us.