Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I dare you...

i'm not afraid of much. the dark, scary movies, spiders, freddy kruger and for some reason the thriller video. but words can spur me into forgetting my fears and moving past the paranoia. some of my deepest revelations and most honest resolutions have come as a result of ignoring my inner scared cat and stepping out on to the ledge. i've lit fire crackers and been one myself. I have made both friends and enemies- found out who will stand by me and who will chicken out and call the cops. jumped out of the pan and into the fire. i have created bonds and broken hearts- though more of the former and hopefully less of the later.

I have regretted and have waxed poetic about the history of my experiences and have learned many things. that jumping off the cliffs into the river is amazing and freeing- remember to wear a one piece suit. karaoke rules. yes you can still climb trees. punk ass boys don't like girls pointing out that their pants are falling down- finish the job and pull them down all the way. there's nothing wrong with a little lovin in the back seat. camping in the boonies is better naked. don't make fun of bad dye jobs.- at least not to loudly.

the more i live, the less i fear, the more i live.
i like that mantra. it's one of my new favorites.

we all need to live more, fear less. we all need to let go and forget the walls we're in. move past the fear and get to the next place we want to be. ask the hard questions. have the uncomfortable conversations. get what you need to have a happy soul.

fear less+ live more= happy soul
try it- I dare you...

Friday, January 7, 2011

"How I won the cosmic lottery"

The stick turned pink. That's where it started, sitting on a bed looking at the stick of immortality. We're a group now- three of us. A trilogy. Fear, dread, excitement, joy; did I mention the fear? Mood swings to knock over buildings, morning sickness that didn't restrict itself to morning. Fat fingers and weird food cravings. Dr's Appointments and blood tests. Painting and chalking flowers and clouds. Crib and layette, Bassinet and car seat. Sleep, no sleep.

water breaking, fear again. incredible fear. the waiting the waiting the waiting... the euphoria and cheer arrived with the meds- yet the fear pushed it's way into the room; will i be enough for this new girl? will the world be enough for her? will she be better off than we were? will we be able to provide?

the answers came in an instant. the instant that girl was placed in my arms. the second she picked up her head and looked around with her gray cartoon eyes; i knew my answer. this old soul wrapped in a new shell. this gift from the past made manifest in the present. she was not only going to change my life- she was going to change the world.
the questions were not only answered; i was given ten fold the knowledge i had before. i had her now. my fear was gone. i knew we would be enough. that we would give her everything and she would give to us.

i had won. we had won.
the cosmos came through. with flying colors...