Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I am a boxer.
I throw my punches in time
I know when and where to fight
I keep myself to myself
Bloodied up for the last time
I fight with my love
I fight with my heart
I fight for the time I want with you
I fight what I feel

I am a boxer
I fight for me
I fight for what I need
I fight for the love I deserve
I know where to hurt and how low
I know that the corner bell comes all to early
I am bruised and dizzy
I am wanting all and more from you
I am fighting myself
I am a boxer

There is darkness in my soul that has become overwhelming. There is a hole in my heart that is growing bigger every day. I can no longer claim ownership. I cannot get away from the thoughts of you swimming laps in my head. You have set up house in the cafe of my mind and I can no longer close the doors and flip on the closed sign. My heart cannot close- I cannot protect myself from the world anymore. I am at your mercy. Be gentle, be patient, be kind. There are holes that are filled with lies, and new holes being dug every day. My heart is all of Swiss cheese and fish nets. Holes and empty spots, like that of unknown space, or a wrinkle in time. I must learn to fill those holes, but fill them myself. I must do it alone, for I am alone. Reflections of myself are all I have to go on, all I have are pieces of myself that have yet to fall into a hole or be filled in with lies. I fear I must go it alone. I’m afraid. Terrified. As the fear sets in… I feel the darkness again… the darkness has become a comfort to me… I fear it will be all I want, all I need. I fear that the darkness will surround me and swallow me whole. Then I’ll be lost. I long to be found but fear, again that I’ll have to do it myself. You are all I want yet cannot have, you can save me… but I must save myself. Here comes the darkness… bring me a light..?

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