an open explanation of my blog
this past year, spring i think- i was cleaning out the storage shed a found (much to my suprise) numerous journals and notebooks that i have kept through the years-mostly in high school and college. i've posted the year written when possible, and hope to get more online soon. i encourage feedback... so, read me.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I AM
I AM
I am FREE
I am MYSELF
I am my own person and do NOT have to bend to the mapped out life someone has laid out for me.
I am a GENERATION of learners. Of thinkers and creators.
I am the GIRL with the starry eyes who looks upwards to the sky and KNOWS that it only waits for me.
I am able to learn things my parents have never known.
I am a dreamer. I can be whomever I want, an astronaut, a mother, a nun, or a priest. I can be a doctor, a lawyer or even PRESIDENT
I am a child
I am a woman
I am a human
I AM.
Oct 3 1995
I am FREE
I am MYSELF
I am my own person and do NOT have to bend to the mapped out life someone has laid out for me.
I am a GENERATION of learners. Of thinkers and creators.
I am the GIRL with the starry eyes who looks upwards to the sky and KNOWS that it only waits for me.
I am able to learn things my parents have never known.
I am a dreamer. I can be whomever I want, an astronaut, a mother, a nun, or a priest. I can be a doctor, a lawyer or even PRESIDENT
I am a child
I am a woman
I am a human
I AM.
Oct 3 1995
slug... and random thoughts.
Slug…
I will not aloe your evil thoughts to poison my soul. You can stay there in that dark, dank prison that you’ve made for yourself, but swear it was someone else’s hurting and cruelty. Your stubbornness to forgive, pains anyone who tries to touch you. I an done, I’ve said my piece. I will no longer insert your name for someone else’s, no longer will I try to “patch things up”. Here is where I chew you up, spit you out, look at you funny and step over you; walking on…
Jan 1 1996
I walked in the rain today. The way that we used to. I began to miss you. But then the sun came out and I could feel its warmth on my face. And then I stopped thinking about you.
Jan 6, 1995
Looking at you is like masturbation. It’s nice the first few times, but after a while, it’s better if theres someone else in the room.
Hedi
Jan 6- 1995
I will not aloe your evil thoughts to poison my soul. You can stay there in that dark, dank prison that you’ve made for yourself, but swear it was someone else’s hurting and cruelty. Your stubbornness to forgive, pains anyone who tries to touch you. I an done, I’ve said my piece. I will no longer insert your name for someone else’s, no longer will I try to “patch things up”. Here is where I chew you up, spit you out, look at you funny and step over you; walking on…
Jan 1 1996
I walked in the rain today. The way that we used to. I began to miss you. But then the sun came out and I could feel its warmth on my face. And then I stopped thinking about you.
Jan 6, 1995
Looking at you is like masturbation. It’s nice the first few times, but after a while, it’s better if theres someone else in the room.
Hedi
Jan 6- 1995
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
how....
How did this happen?
I thought you and I would be together till the end.
But the end has come.
too soon
I don't blame you... alone
I can't take the blame... alone
But our problem was that we left each other alone
I was alone while you went out with your friends... I stayed at home pretending to be the good girlfriend, not wanting to be "that girl" the jealous one who had to be with you...had to know where, when and with who.. you were a big boy with your own friends long before you met me.
I was a strong girl with my own thoughts long before you told me how wrong they were... how silly I was and how naive I sounded when I spoke.
Much to late did I realize that my naivete didn't just embarrass you, but made you feel used up and old. How my youth was waisted on you... and how your youth was waisted long before we met.
I understand now, that this toxic love was never meant to last, but we were meant for each other... but to learn how to grow up. How to be adults. How to love and let go. I thank you for that; for teaching me that your first sexual experience is meant to be short and uninspired...that boys cheat and men do not... that romance is not what you thought it was, but is what you make of it.
When I think of you now I'm left in wonder of How much we learned from each other, How we will always be these people because of the time we spent together, How what happened between us has made me a better person, not less naive; just better at it.
How could this have happened?
How could it not?
I thought you and I would be together till the end.
But the end has come.
too soon
I don't blame you... alone
I can't take the blame... alone
But our problem was that we left each other alone
I was alone while you went out with your friends... I stayed at home pretending to be the good girlfriend, not wanting to be "that girl" the jealous one who had to be with you...had to know where, when and with who.. you were a big boy with your own friends long before you met me.
I was a strong girl with my own thoughts long before you told me how wrong they were... how silly I was and how naive I sounded when I spoke.
Much to late did I realize that my naivete didn't just embarrass you, but made you feel used up and old. How my youth was waisted on you... and how your youth was waisted long before we met.
I understand now, that this toxic love was never meant to last, but we were meant for each other... but to learn how to grow up. How to be adults. How to love and let go. I thank you for that; for teaching me that your first sexual experience is meant to be short and uninspired...that boys cheat and men do not... that romance is not what you thought it was, but is what you make of it.
When I think of you now I'm left in wonder of How much we learned from each other, How we will always be these people because of the time we spent together, How what happened between us has made me a better person, not less naive; just better at it.
How could this have happened?
How could it not?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
sex
hot words
burning, scorching
flaming skin upon
melting sheets of air.
dripping wet letters
bound by chains of emotion
falling down to ears that welcome it.
thumping pulling screaming sounds.
bodies moving in a motion
known only to the
animalsistic instincts of
man who dares to let go
and experience
burning, scorching
flaming skin upon
melting sheets of air.
dripping wet letters
bound by chains of emotion
falling down to ears that welcome it.
thumping pulling screaming sounds.
bodies moving in a motion
known only to the
animalsistic instincts of
man who dares to let go
and experience
harmony and discord
squeezing out notes in a melodic fashion. repeating again between groans of disapproval. standing like a prize fighter before the biggest fight of his life. secure and calm, yet tension aches at his muscles and tears at his eyes. chaotic. groaning between blasts of the air like ice on a fire sparking and smoking feverishly.
squinting eyes, wrinkled forehead, moves- noble dances. sways. stands still. tilted head. bend. bounce. lift crossed legs. relaxed.
finally- Harmony.
no, little boy, i'm not writing bout your beautiful eyes or fantastic smile. you give yourself far to much credit for things you have nothing to do with. i am sick of it. yes you are nice to look at, and have a great personality. when i first met you i was impressed by your attitude about certain things. i was impressed.
now i'm sick and disgusted by your outlook. everything is a game to you. but this is a game you've lost and there is no reset button. i won't try to impress you anymore. i am stronger and understand you. prepare yourself...
squinting eyes, wrinkled forehead, moves- noble dances. sways. stands still. tilted head. bend. bounce. lift crossed legs. relaxed.
finally- Harmony.
no, little boy, i'm not writing bout your beautiful eyes or fantastic smile. you give yourself far to much credit for things you have nothing to do with. i am sick of it. yes you are nice to look at, and have a great personality. when i first met you i was impressed by your attitude about certain things. i was impressed.
now i'm sick and disgusted by your outlook. everything is a game to you. but this is a game you've lost and there is no reset button. i won't try to impress you anymore. i am stronger and understand you. prepare yourself...
Monday, June 21, 2010
my ridiculous expectations of romance
theres something about you that causes me to crumble..
something that tells me to let go...thats its ok...
ive tried to be tough because I think thats what you want to see, the tough girl who can handle anything... but that girl does't exist...
there is no tough girl in here... just the one who need your arms around her, the girl who loves to kiss you and wants to feel you near... the girl who desperately wants to makes you smile when you want to cry...
tell this girl the things she already knows but needs to hear from you...
the girl who sits next to you is longing for your attention...
the girl who sits next to you is waiting... and getting tired of it...
please hear this...
before its too late...
You there, with the great smile and sky reflecting eyes. You with the great bookish look and snarky comebacks. you stop me with your words- ripping through my facade and seeing me for who i really am... and then remindng me that all those things make me wonderful, all my flaws- accepted. all my doubts and fears reveald, you treasure me for who i am and in turn i treasure myself. thank you for that. our short time together will be with me forever, when i can't handle it- i'll remember you and cry a little wishing our time wasnt so fleeting.
something that tells me to let go...thats its ok...
ive tried to be tough because I think thats what you want to see, the tough girl who can handle anything... but that girl does't exist...
there is no tough girl in here... just the one who need your arms around her, the girl who loves to kiss you and wants to feel you near... the girl who desperately wants to makes you smile when you want to cry...
tell this girl the things she already knows but needs to hear from you...
the girl who sits next to you is longing for your attention...
the girl who sits next to you is waiting... and getting tired of it...
please hear this...
before its too late...
You there, with the great smile and sky reflecting eyes. You with the great bookish look and snarky comebacks. you stop me with your words- ripping through my facade and seeing me for who i really am... and then remindng me that all those things make me wonderful, all my flaws- accepted. all my doubts and fears reveald, you treasure me for who i am and in turn i treasure myself. thank you for that. our short time together will be with me forever, when i can't handle it- i'll remember you and cry a little wishing our time wasnt so fleeting.
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